It all began on February 7th, 1954 in New Jersey. From the day I was born, I was ill much of the time and had to be hospitalized, often due to dehydration and fevers. I needed a lot of attention from my mother because I was so weak. I feel this caused her to become over-protective, keeping me safe and indoors and from participating in normal, dangerous boy activities. This was the start of the unstable factors contributing to my inability to make friends, especially with boys.

I was born into what seemed to be a wealthy, yet dysfunctional family. We had many of the material things that most people only wish they had: a nice home, nice cars, a plane, etc… However, my father liked to drink a lot and somehow got involved in some bad business deals. Early one morning, when I was 6 years old, my sister and I were escorted very suddenly, and under suspicious circumstances, downstairs and put into a station wagon. We were driven to Ft. Lauderdale, FL. In New Jersey, my mother was always home and there for me, but when we were relocated to Florida, she had to work full time, while attending school, to support the family. As a result, I was raised by my 13-year-old sister and a neighbor lady.

When we were young and living in New Jersey, my sister and I used to play dress up and she would dress me up as a little girl. As I got older, she would sometimes dress me up as a girl for Halloween. I enjoyed it. I found I could identify more with girls than I could with boys. I preferred playing house instead of playing war. I actually hated being a boy. I loved playing with little girls. I hated how rough the boys would play with one another, both verbally and physically. Although I still yearned to be with them and to identify with them, I was fearful to join them because I did not want to get hurt. I hated feeling like a wimp. I knew myself to be a boy, but I didn’t have strong and encouraging male relationships to call out my masculinity and “bless” the little boy in me.

“Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity.”From “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge

After we moved to Florida, my father’s job took him on the road and he was not home most of the time. When my father was home, he was usually drunk and I witnessed the abusive relationship between my parents. He was insensitive to everyone’s needs. I also believe he was at a loss concerning how to be a catalyst for his family. My father’s dad was abusive also, and he died of pneumonia when my father was only 13. My father also lacked healthy male affirmation and therefore had none to give. I really believe my father was doing the best he could, but the alcohol distorted his thinking. Observing my dad’s abuse of my mother, both physically and emotionally, made me feel like, if that was what it meant to be a man, then I did not want any part of it. The only time my dad showed me attention was when I would hurt myself, and then he would only get mad at me for being so stupid for getting hurt in the first place. Because of all this, I defensively detached* from my dad and other boys. I hated being a boy. This is a quote that I feel sums it up quite nicely.

*Defensive detachment becomes particularly apparent when the pre-homosexual boy enters the latency period and is about 5 to 12 years old. He is typically fearful and cautious toward other boys his age, staying close to his mother and perhaps grandmother, aunts, or older sisters. He becomes the ‘kitchen window boy,’ who looks out at his peers playing aggressively and, what appears to him, dangerously. He is attracted to the other boys at the same time he is frightened by what they are doing. Defensive detachment emotionally isolates him from other males, and from his own masculinity. Females are familiar, while males are mysterious.

Then when sexual needs begin to seek expression in early adolescence, it is understandable that the direction of such a young man’s sexual interests will be away from the familiar and toward the unapproachable. We do not sexualize what we are familiar with. We are drawn to the ‘other-than-me.’ A further damaging lesson will be carried over into later life. Having learned that direct assertion – at least in relation to other males-is useless, he will perceive himself as passive and weak in relation to male peers.”

From Dr Joseph Nicolosi’s book “Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality” Pages 57-59

I feel this sums it up on a psychological level and explains why I still deal with passive aggressive behavior.

My mother became too emotionally attached to me as a way of coping with my father’s abuse. I remember seeing her often, in a fetal position on the floor, crying hysterically after my father had beaten her and then he would just leave. She would hold me, rocking me back and forth, telling me I had to be strong for her and that I was her little man. She looked to me for masculine strength and emotional support. After these episodes, I felt weak, powerless, and drained. I hated it when my mother was like this with me. I wanted to run as far away as possible. This caused me later on in life to see all women as needy and just wanting to suck the life right out of me.

I didn’t feel loved, believed in, or affirmed as a boy. My father was never there when I needed him. The only other male figures in my life were my grandfathers. One of my grandfathers was weak and sick a lot. He was also under my grandmother’s thumb, which made me see him as passive and not strong, affirming, or affectionate. The other grandfather would push me away and tell me, “Men don’t hug or kiss other men”. During my pre-teen years, my dad tried to bond with me in his humorous way. He often told me that he had a friend that was willing to make a trade: me for two girls. In my mind I felt so devalued and unwanted. My dad also affectionately called me “Riv” (short for “river rogue”), and said that I was not born but that he had found me in the slime of the Mississippi River. As I got older, I knew my father was trying to be cute, but my inadequacy and pain remained.

I was also totally unable to bond with my male peers. In both junior and senior high school, I was teased and bullied much of the time. I was labeled mama’s boy, faggot, queer, wimp, and other emasculating terms. I recall walking around the schoolyard in abject fear of running into a small group of guys who would taunt me and accuse me of being a woman, sissy, or a mama’s boy. Once, while in 7th grade wood-shop, I was beaten by the other boys in the class with the breadboard I had made for my mother. The teacher stood there giving full approval for the beatings and the verbal abuse. He told me I needed to learn to be a man and to defend myself, then he walked away leaving the bullies to have there way with me. I died each time the other kids kicked, hit, and taunted me. I felt like a nonperson. I didn’t have anyone to go home to or a father to stand up for me and protect me. At this point, everything in me died and I completely detached. I just did what I could to exist. At the same time, I envied the strong and tough boys. I wanted so much to be like them. I longed for them to want to be with me, or to pick me to play with them. I did not know what was happening to me as I yearned to be loved by a man, curious to know what a man looked like naked, and just to have a man hold me and tell me it was OK.

In light of my family environment and poor experiences with male peers, homosexuality became an acquired identity in me. Although I longed to have sexual relations with men, I was not born a homosexual. These feelings grew out of a longing to be loved and accepted by my dad and male peers. From birth, I had a normal desire as a boy to be loved by a man, my dad specifically. Since that need was not met in a normal way when I went through puberty, that desire became sexualized.

Then when sexual needs begin to seek expression in early adolescence, it is understandable that the direction of such a young man’s sexual interests will be away from the familiar and toward the unapproachable. We do not sexualize what we are familiar with. We are drawn to the “other-than-me.

From Dr Joseph Nicolosi’s book “Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality” Pages 57-59

There were times when I thought I was born gay, but then I realized that every little boy is born with a need to be loved by a man: DADDY. If daddy is not emotionally or physically present, the little boy will look to another man’s arms to hold him. I was desperate in my need to be loved by a man!

One activity I enjoyed, that the other kids in high school did not discover about me, was ballroom dancing. I began dancing classes at the early age of 5. Ten years later I was awarded the best male ballroom dancer out of a class of 300 couples at the Ft. Lauderdale Jr. Cotillion. In high school, under peer pressure, I forsook my love of dance for acceptance in the drug culture. I wished I could die, hated hiding how much I wanted to be with boys sexually, and wished I could just be normal. However, the homosexual desires kept plaguing me. I was very sad because of the fact that I always wanted to be a girl, or at least the object of a man’s desire. The main man I wanted to desire me was my dad. Since he was not there to love and affirm me, I longed for any man’s embrace.

Drugs had so consumed my life by the age of 18. After being expelled from high school because of truancy in my junior year, and for not performing scholastically since the 7th grade, I checked myself into a drug rehab called, “The Seed.” While there, I only learned more about drugs, different kinds of drugs, how to get them, and how to use them. When I graduated, I had been sober from drugs and alcohol for a year and a half.

First introduced to Jesus
I was first introduced to Jesus by my neighbors when I was 19. I asked them what the fish on the back of their car meant. They told me what it meant and the whole gospel message and I became born again. It made sense and I prayed and asked Jesus to be my Savior. I started attending a large Presbyterian church in Ft. Lauderdale. I sought professional Christian help for my sexual struggles. Christian counselors would advise me, “just don’t do it.” I felt that no one understood me and that there was no one in whom I could confide. I know for sure that I tasted of Jesus and His goodness during this time, but I had some wild oats and no one to talk to about them.

Back Slide One / Coming Out of the Closet
When I was 21, a married male friend of mine (who also struggled with homosexual attractions) asked if he could spend the night with me because he had had an argument with his wife. I talked him into going back to his wife. He hugged me as he was leaving to thank me for my advice, but his hug became quite provocative and, boy, did it feel good. Even though he left to return home, he returned to my house and seduced me. I felt I had finally received from another man what I had longed for all my life. It was my first all out homosexual experience. Those feelings were more powerful than I could have ever imagined and so I decided to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. I hoped to find the love and acceptance that I longed for in the gay community. It did not take me long to realize that acceptance by gays was conditional at best. The gay lifestyle is totally self-absorbed and superficial. All it offered me was more loneliness and feelings of desperation. I thought I would find love, completion, and companionship but all I found was sex, alcohol, drugs, and more sex, alcohol, and drugs. I had to do something to medicate the incredible hopelessness I felt! I thought this must be what I am: gay, hopeless, and lonely. I lived in the homosexual lifestyle for two years.

In September of 1977, at the age of 23, after attending a rock concert one night, I got high on angel dust (PCP), almost to the point of overdosing. A friend, who was involved in the occult with me, was in my house. I then experienced what I would call a truly demonic event. My friend began to tell me that my soul was required of me that night and that all the evil things I had done made me the property of Satan. My friend’s countenance changed into the image of what seemed to be a demon. I knew I was dying when I found myself floating near the ceiling (what is known as an out of body experience), looking down at my body, and when my friend, who was demonized, could still see me out of my body as he looked up at me. He kept telling me that all the people that I had cheated, stolen from, or did anything wrong against were waiting outside to kill me. He told me the specific things that I had done to them. No one knew about these things except me, or so I thought. I felt hopeless! I thought for sure I was a dead man and going to hell.

Rededication
At this same time, in the background on the radio at 4 a.m. Sunday morning, the rock music radio station stopped playing rock music and began playing Christian music. The man on the radio said, “Have you ever felt totally alone, that there is no one to turn to, no one to trust in? Then just try Jesus. Just try Jesus!” I then realized how real Satan was, which confirmed to me that God had to be just as real. Then I found myself immediately back in my body. I quickly got on my knees and begged Jesus to forgive me and take me back. My friend kept taunting me, “You had your chance. There’s no hope for you. Go ahead and pray to your Jesus. You’ve had your chance. You’re mine.” I got up and ordered this supposed friend to get out of my house in Jesus’ name. He told me he was not going anywhere. I got back down on my knees and started praying again. He told me, “Go ahead and pray to your Jesus. You’ve had it. You had your chance. There’s no hope for you now. Your soul is mine.” I stood up again and said, “No, in Jesus’ name, get out of my house.” So he left the house, but then just sat outside in his old noisy idling Thunderbird and so I knew it wasn’t over. I got back down on my knees and prayed, “Lord, take anything, take everything, but please forgive me!” I finally heard him drive away. Thank you Jesus!

At 5 a.m., I drove to the large church that I used to attend. Upon arriving, I was told by an usher to wait in the massive dark and dreary sanctuary while he went to call a pastor. While I was waiting, the assistant organist came out and started practicing on the huge pipe organ. I couldn’t take it. I had to get out of there. I tried to leave, but some men caught up with me as I was getting in my car and brought me back. A pastor finally arrived and was willing to talk to me. He told me I was just high and that when I came down, I would be fine. In my heart I knew something more had happened to me, so I drove to the beach, watched the sunrise, and prayed to the Lord for help. I remembered a couple that ran a Bible study that I used to attend called “The Greenhouse.” All I remembered about them was that they loved me unconditionally even though they didn’t understand my homosexual struggle. Wanting some of that love and understanding, I went to their house. Thank God they were home and getting ready for church. I told them what had happened and how I wanted to come back to the Lord. They completely believed me, told me this kind of thing happened often, and that they knew someone who could help me. They called a man who used to be a high priest in the church of Satan. This man assured me that I was not alone in my experience. He told me that there were many in mental institutions, many who had sold their souls to the devil, and many who were dead. But there were also many that had made it to the other side and found themselves back in the arms of Jesus, safe and sound. After a long talk and receiving a lot of love and prayer, I felt I was finally home and safe.

Although I found a family and people who loved me, I still had these urges and no one with whom I could talk to about my homosexuality. I still was not completely sold out to Jesus’ lordship because I had this need in my heart that I had to keep secret. I yearned still to be loved by a man and I had no desire at all for a woman. I felt so different. I felt like a freak. At this time, there were no ex-gay ministries.

Shepherding/Discipleship Movement
Two years later in 1979, I started going to a new church that really loved me on a new and different level. There were other homosexual strugglers there with whom I could identify, but some seemed to be living a double life. I wanted more than this compromise. The church was part of the Shepherding/Discipleship Movement. I was told that, if I wanted to overcome homosexuality, all I had to do was “put off the old and put on the new.” They told me to just get married. They even chose a woman for me to marry. There were a lot of cold, hard do’s and don’ts and rules and regulations. My heart grew harder and harder toward the church. I still had so many issues in my heart that even if I was able to talk to someone about them, the response was just to “put off the old and to put on the new.” This was just the beginning of my bitterness towards Christianity. I felt so misunderstood, but I submitted, believing they were hearing from God. Two weeks before the marriage I canceled the wedding. I was told I was in rebellion because I wouldn’t submit to the leadership of the church. I agreed and said to them, “You want to see rebellion? Then watch this.” I rebelled, hating the church, but somehow still knowing Jesus was real.

Back Slide Two
I backslid in 1981 and went head long back to the only thing I knew: the arms of a man. This now included bathhouses, group sex, and a lot more drugs. I had a need and I was going to meet it any way I could. I figured that, if I was going to sin, I may as well go all the way. If I was going to hell, I was going to enjoy myself on the way. All the while, I knew Jesus was real and I could not forget how much He loved me. I just didn’t want anything to do with the church or Christians.

In the following years I became addicted to sex, cocaine, hallucinogenic drugs and alcohol, and experienced incredible hopelessness. I wished I could just party until I popped, until I died. I often tried to overdose on cocaine but my heart just would not stop. I would sometimes be up for three or four days at a time doing line after line of coke, hoping to die. What hell! I excelled at having fun, but I was sick of the fun. It was phony. I could not face the pain if I sobered up. I wanted to die, but I couldn’t. There were many nights when I was up all night pleading with God for the gift of repentance and none would come. I was hopeless again (or should I say still?).

Second Rededication
Then, in 1987, during a bad night on drugs, I called an ex-lover to talk. I told him how much I missed being loved by him and how much I missed Jesus. He told me, “If I were you, I would choose Jesus”. Something clicked in me that said, “Yes, I know Jesus is the answer,” but there were those blasted Christian people to deal with. My exlover also told me he was going to an Exodus ministry that helped people that wanted to leave the homosexual life style. I never heard of people overcoming homosexuality but he told me he knew people who were. Something broke in my heart when he told me to choose Jesus. I received the gift of repentance that I so longed for and, glory to God, I was weeping real tears of sorrow. I told God that I wanted to return to Him, but that I wanted to be 100% committed to Jesus. I told him that I did not want to play church. I was tired of that and I wanted hope that new life was possible. I wanted to experience the Word of God that said I was an overcomer, a new creation, victorious and free indeed. I wanted life and life more abundantly! I didn’t want to go into denial again and put on my religious mask. I wanted to go to church, for it to be OK to be a sinner, and to be able to be honest about my struggle.

With skepticism, I went to the home of the director of the Exodus Ministry at the time. I thought that if he would start telling me about what I had to start or stop doing, I would just tell him where to go and leave him with that information. When I talked to him, he just loved me and related to me, telling me the truth of God’s word that set me free. He proved it’s the love of Christ that compels us, not rules. He told me he understood and cared. It was then that I knew I was truly home and back with Jesus. At least I hoped it was for real.

A couple of weeks later, during a service at the church I started going to, a prophet asked me to stand up because he had a word for me. I had no idea what a prophet was. I stood up and he told me that God was going to collect on the commitment I made to God about being 100% committed to Him. He also told me that God was going to provide the grace for me to fulfill that commitment. I was shocked because no one knew about my conversation with God that night.

I started attending an Exodus ministry in Ft Lauderdale and heard things there that changed my life. I met other strugglers who were well along in their healing process. I went to Exodus conferences, Larry Crabb conferences, Clay McLean conferences, and a Leanne Payne PCM conference. It was amazing how much the church had changed in just a few years. I was on staff with the Exodus ministry for a couple of years but finally came to a place where I got tired of always being focused on the ex-gay issue. I wanted to bond with some healthy heterosexuals, and this was highly recommended by the leadership of the Exodus ministry.

Because the Christians at my church loved me and supported me, I became very involved in the church. However, I was scared they would reject me if they found out that I had come out of the gay lifestyle. One Sunday, I approached the platform during the sermon and asked the pastor if I could share something with the church. I figured that if they were going to reject me, then I might as well get it over with. The pastor reluctantly handed me the microphone. I told the whole church I was trying to come out of the gay lifestyle and I needed their support and love. I told them I wanted to stay, but I was afraid that if they found out about my struggle they would reject me. So I asked them if it would be OK if I stayed. Almost the whole church came forward and embraced me. It was one of the most powerful emotional experiences I have ever had. Through good healthy relationships with godly heterosexual men and women, I have been affirmed and edified like that ever since.

Shortly after this, I went to my first Promise Keepers (1993). When I returned, the Lord put it on my heart to start a men’s accountability group, which is still going strong today.

Unfortunately, even with the acceptance and affirmation from the godly heterosexual men in my church and the group, I still had a secret sin and hidden agenda in the back of my mind. Secretly, I still wanted to be with a man. Most of the time I would think about what it would be like to be with a man to whom I was ministering. I was able to talk about my struggle, but I was unable to let it go because it was so much of who I thought I was. Finally, I cried out to God and expressed my frustration with Him because my struggles never abated. It had been 22 years on this roller coaster since I had gotten saved. I cried, “Father, how long do I have to serve you for you to take away these homosexual feelings and desires?” He clearly spoke to my heart and answered, “What if I don’t? Do you require of me the removal of these desires in order for you to serve me?” My heart broke and I told the Lord, “No, you are enough. I will still serve you even if you don’t take away these desires.” God showed me that it needed to be Jesus plus nothing, and I realized that He was more than enough.

God exposing the hidden agenda and secret sins I held on to in my heart.
It was not long after this moment with God in 1996, when I was 43, that He allowed someone into my life that would expose the secret desires of my sinful heart. A younger man came into my life that was everything that I would consider to be the ultimate male figure. He also struggled with homosexuality and had an incredibly seductive spirit. I can still remember my reaction when I opened the door to meet him. He was very good looking, fit, muscular, friendly, and quite glad to have found someone to talk to. We spent many hours together as I ministered to him about the freedom that Christ gives to help men and women overcome homosexuality and addictions. We would pray together and discuss God’s Word until all hours of the night. Without realizing it, our friendship developed into an emotionally dependent relationship. We spent just about all of our time together. He would write poems about me to God, thanking God for sending him someone to love him in a wholesome way and rejoicing because of finally having someone who loved him with the long lost love he never received from his father. He would leave me long passionate voice mail messages, some as long as three minutes, thanking me for being part of his life. I would save them and play them over and over. When we would drive somewhere together, he would rest his head on my shoulder, caress my arm, and start praying prayers of thanksgiving for putting me in his life. When we would pray at home on our knees, he would caress my head, sometimes crying and thanking God for me. I was going under. I was in it deep and it felt so good. How could it be wrong? I had never, in all my years in the gay lifestyle, met someone who wanted me as much as I wanted him.

At the same time, I had been going to the gym with some of the men from church and had been for some time. When this guy, a body builder, came into my life, he wanted to work out with us. Everybody agreed to have him join us. On the side, he was telling me that the best cardio exercise was swimming. In order to go swimming you had to change and then afterwards you had to take a shower in a common shower. Need I say more? It was out of control. The men in the church, wanting to believe the best for me, noticed what was happening and confronted me about what they saw. I, of course, denied any accusations of inappropriate behavior. During this time I also had a friend in Tampa visit me who was a leader in ex-gay ministry. When he arrived, he knew right away what was going on. We went for a long walk on the beach where he adamantly confronted me with what was going on and I would adamantly deny it. When he returned to Tampa he called me and told me that, if I didn’t do something about it, he was going to drive back over to Hollywood and talk to my pastor about what was going on. Well, I didn’t do anything and he drove back over. I was confronted again and somehow I was able to persuade my pastor that I would deal with it in the right manner. Eventually, I began to see what everybody was saying was true. Our prayer times together were becoming more intimate, and inappropriate touch would occur. This continued until one evening he called me and asked me to come to his home to pray for him because he was ill. When I arrived at his home, I went into his bedroom where he was lying on the bed completely unclothed except for a washcloth he had put over himself. Naively, I knelt down to pray for him. He then proceeded to pull me onto himself. Somehow, I refused. The temptation was incredibly strong, but God’s grace was present and I left.

A couple of nights later, he called me and told me he wanted to be with me intimately. I told him that I wanted to be with him as well and that I would get ready and be right over. As I was leaving my house, there was a minuscule part of me that wanted Jesus more than I wanted this man, say 51% to 49%. So I called a godly friend to tell him what I was going to do. I asked him to please pray for me, and he persuaded me to stay home and on the phone with him while he got our pastor on a conference conversation. I confessed it was all true. A big part of me wanted to go but there was a bigger part of me that wanted Jesus more. I knew that if I fell sexually with this man, it would have been a nightmare of more empty promises.

Jesus’ love had broken through
Jesus’ love had broken through all the lies and I knew His word was true. Although the amount of desire and temptation to simply give in was overwhelming, God’s grace was sufficient through His people. I am so thankful that I had a covering of godly men to love me and walk with me through this mess. As God exposed my wicked heart, its secret sin and hidden agendas, I felt as though my whole identity was being ripped out. All I ever knew was dying. I am sure I would not have made it through without being surrounded by godly men that knew everything that was going on and loved me anyway. I was up night after night weeping and weeping as this thing was being rent from who I thought I was. It took nearly 3 months of pressing into prayer and finding God’s heart to be so true, as well as the late night phone conversations with my pastor and a couple other godly men, that helped me stay focused on Jesus; my strength in my weakness. They offered me support, encouragement, and prayer to get through the absolute darkest days of my life. I felt like my toes were being turned inside out as God broke the power of my false identity, the lie that I was gay. The men never said one word of condemnation. They just let me vent, and then spoke words of love and affirmation as they pointed me to the cross. Finally, it was as if the chains were broken and I experienced true freedom as God’s love consumed my heart. He made Himself so real to me. The power of those temptations was finally broken.

Finally, I was able to receive true affirming love from the Father and the body of Christ. I received it into my heart and it enveloped all that I was. Through His people who extended grace, mercy, and love no matter how many times I fell or how I fell, His love broke through and changed me. The greatest of these was Love. His word has, and is, becoming truth in my life and the truth has set me free.

• I am A new creature (2 Cor. 5:17)
• I am Holy and without blame before Him in love (1 Pet. 1:16; Eph. 1:4)
• I am Victorious (Rev. 21:7)
• I am Set free (John 8:31-33)
• I am Strong in the Lord (Eph. 6:10)
• I am More than a conqueror (Rom. 8:37)
• I am Accepted in the Beloved (Eph. 1:6)
• I am Free from condemnation (Rom. 8:1)
• I am Qualified to share in His inheritance (Col. 1:12)
• To name only a few!

Even though I experience temptation from time to time, its power to define me is as nothing. All glory to God!

That whole thing of allowing Jesus 1st place in my heart was over in 1997. Jesus became my source and the homosexual identity has little to no power in my life now. In 1998 and 1999, my whole family began to get saved. They said that because of the new consistency of my life, and how much my life had changed, they told me, “If your life can change that much, I want what you’ve got.” So they started coming to church and, eventually, one by one, they were getting saved. My dad (pop) passed away on February 24th, 2004. Up until a few months before he passed, he was faithfully at church every Sunday morning. He would read his Bible, ask great questions, and would come and participate in the men’s group that I led. He even spoke a father’s blessing over me in front of all the men in the men’s group. The Lord changed my heart towards my pop, and if I had it to do all over again, I would want my pop to be my pop. I was able to tell him that before he passed. I realized I would not be who I am if it were not for him. I love who God created me to be.

“As I’ve seen the incredible change in my father I too have been freed to embrace the many good qualities of my father and to give grace to us both In our mutual weaknesses. He is worthy of my respect. Apart from Jesus, he is the closest human reflection of my own masculinity. I praise Jesus for making a way for me to return to my father. The past is past; Jesus has died with my detachment from my father. Now Jesus lives as the catalyst of our relationship. I want to love my father as Jesus has loved me. And I want to receive from him every great and empowering aspect of my inheritance as his son”. “Making peace with my father has also helped me to make peace with my masculinity. I praise God for what in me is strong and true; I seek Him for what remains to be empowered and matured. I’ve made peace, too, with my ongoing need for whole relationships with other men. Gratefully, that need has been purged of any lustful intention!”

From the book by: Andrew Comiskey

“Pursuing Sexual Wholeness”, a Living Waters book

My mother, who is 86, and my sister, are faithfully at church every Sunday. My sister has also attended the Cross Current group I lead and has helped with the Divorce Care Ministry. My step nephew Tony is sold out for Jesus as well. That’s just about everybody in my family except my niece, and she is still out there working on her testimony. As far as I was concerned, God could have moved the Grand Canyon before He could have changed and saved some of their hearts. Not only are they saved, but our relationships are being restored in ways that could only be God.

And Now the Highlight of my Story
And now, the highlight of my story, the cherry on top. In March of 2006, I was doing a Living Waters teaching on healthy heterosexuality with my female assistant Sandee, who just happened to be single. I thought, “Wow, I like this!” She made me feel complemented and complete as a man. So the Lord put it on my heart that this was the one. With three months of Living Waters left to go, I waited until we were done to talk to her about what I was feeling. In July of 2006 I went to her and told her what I was feeling. She was shocked and had no idea.

The reason she had no idea was because she was a woman who understood boundaries. When Sandee and I were getting ready to start Living Waters we sat down and talked about what to expect in leadership. I explained that we as a team were going to be pressing through some personal issues of our own and I would probably be ministering to those issues. I went on to explain that this would not mean that I am romantically interested. I told her to guard her heart and not to set herself up to be hurt, because it was not going to happen. Well, she did. She guarded her heart and I was nowhere in there. That’s why she was so surprised when I went to talk to her about my heart.

After a while, she said she would consider it before the Lord and get back to me. A few days later we got together and she told me she was willing to go out as friends and see where things went. We prayed together and talked to our pastor, and in about 3 to 4 weeks she realized it was more.

When we were visiting friends, I told her for the first time that I loved her under a full moon in November, while we walked through the pouring rain in Virginia Beach.

On Dec 3rd, 2006, I asked her if she would be my wife under a full moon on Hollywood beach. We were sitting on a bench with a big bright street light overhead. It would cause the blue diamond ring that belonged to my grandmother to sparkle beautifully on her ring finger if she said yes.

Well, she said yes, and on August 11th, 2007 we became one. I have to say that I love the world of women and I don’t know why it took me 53 years to figure it out. I would not trade my life for anything.

God does give good things to those who wait. One of the things I said in my vows to my bride, Sandra Lee, was that in the book of Proverbs it states, “that an excellent wife is the crown of her husband.” “Well today, I feel like true royalty!”

Today I am a pastor, ordained by the Southern Baptist Church and am also the Executive Director of Restoring Hope Ministries, an Exodus member ministry. I lead a 32-week Living Waters group and an 11 week Cross Current group. Both can be described as passionate discipleship training programs for the relationally and sexually broken. In addition, I lead a drop in support group for men who struggle with same sex attraction. I also lead a men’s accountability / support group at the church I attend. Who would have thought that God would use a former homosexual man to minister to heterosexual men? Sin is sin. As Sy Rogers says, “Same root different fruit.”

As I experience having my same sex love needs met through good, healthy, and affirming relationships with the men at my church and in the body of Christ at large, I am experiencing a wholeness I never thought possible. I have come to a place where I realize that if I had it all to do over again, I would not want one aspect of my life, past or present, to be changed. Rom 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”. I now know that the enemy intended to destroy my life, but God turned it all around to make me the man He intended me to be. I want others to know this freedom as well. God has given me a pastor’s heart to help people know that if they are willing to endure the process, deny themselves, take up their cross and follow Him, then they can know His power and goodness in the midst of their weakness.

II Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Philippians 3:10-14

“I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”